“Why is this planet named literally ‘dirt’? Couldnt they come up with something better? Maybe … uh… sandy.. something. Maybe something about glistening sand? Something happy?”
“Goddammit shut the fuck up and do your fucking job.”
He turned around and his tail almost knocked over an empty cage.
His boss waved a cleaver at him, threateningly, even if sarcastic.. “No happy tails in the meat market! You’re going to knock everything over!”
“Oh. uh.. sorry.”
His tail drooped down again, but in a very restrained unnaturally feeling manner.
His boss waved his cleaver around, “Y’ might end up with a tip cut off. Or even more than just a tip.”
Craig smirked, “Just the tip?” He gyrated his hip a little.
“Just a bit of a snip of the tippy tip!” His boss slammed the meat cleaver down on the chopping block of wood.
Craig jumped. His boss laughed. A creature in a cage behind screeched.
His boss picked up the meat cleaver again, and waved it around like a conductor’s baton.
“Come one. Come all. Just buy the tippy tip of the cleaver’s snip. Nice with soup and great for the family!”
Craig cupped his hand over his mouth. “buy it now at Jerry’s meat market. just $49.99 per pound. GREAT DEALS!!!!! ALWAYSS!!!”
His boss burst into uproarious laughter.
Craig leaned with his back against the table. His tail flicked. “wonder if people would actually buy it.”
His boss waived his hand, “people will buy anything. Its food. who cares what it is.”
Craig whistled,”Well.. yeah you’re right.”
His boss continued, “If they can shove it down their gullet, they dont care. Hell, if we chopped off everyone’s tail and fed it to them, then we’d solve a lot of problems in this country……………………… no more awkwardly smacking people and also a good nice meal.” He chuckled.
Craig pulled his tail close to his body and laughed nervously with his boss. “aaaah well….. if we chopped off everyone’s balls, this country would have a lot of problems solved.” Craig grit his teeth after saying that, but covered it up with a smile.
His boss smirked and cocked his cleaver back and forth. “Nuh uh uh..”, he moved closer to Craig and waved his finger, grinning. “if we did that, we’d be out of a job. There’s nothing worse than being jobless.”
“Y-… yeah I suppose… so. .. I mean like.. what else are we supposed to eat? I guess?”
His boss laughed, and spat a little onto craig’s face. Craig flinched and grimaced.
“VEGANS! WE’LL EAT THE VEGANS!!”, his boss cackled.
He leaned closer to Craig and looked into his eyes, “Its a dog eat dog world out there. Quite literally. If people will buy it, we’ll sell it. We’ll pretty it all up, put it into little styrofoam trays, slap a meaningless label onto it and tell them it’ll cure cancer. If I was more slick, I’d convince them a miracle cure was to cut of the tip of their dick and give it to me… only for me to sell it back to them as some sort of soup or elixir.”
Craig nodded his head and stared for a second. Tail still frozen and clutched to his body.
His boss whistled and avoided eye contact for a bit, before darting back to look at craig, “And aah, no happy tails in the meat market!”
Craig nodded and gave a thumbs up, “understood.. boss! You’re the man.”
Craig got home and sent applications off to about 50 different businesses.